Unbelievable! I thought that this season of “The Real Housewives of Orange County” was entertaining. It doesn’t hold a candle to last night’s reunion, which was so full of zingers that I’m relegated to doing a virtual play-by-play, a la “Lost.” Sorry this is so long, but it’s just sooo good:
9:02 – What?? Jeana let her teenage daughter Kara get a boob job? “She was graduating from high school and that was what she wanted,” she says.
9:04 – Tamra tells host Andy Cohen she was going to bring him her old boob implants. “I’m going to sell them on eBay,” she declares.
9:06 – Lynne rings on the boob implant discussion: “If you had a flat tire on your car, wouldn’t you get a new tire?”
9:08 – The conversation turns serious when Andy asks Gretchen why she’s wearing her $60,000+ diamond engagement ring since her fiance, Jeff, died in September. “I don’t feel right taking it off yet,” she says. Neither would I if I had a $60,000+ diamond ring. I’m just saying…
9:10 – Boy, this must be trash Lynne hour starring Vicki and Tamra! Lynne finally wakes up and retorts, “It would hurt my feelings – because I know they’re both rocket scientists over there.”
9:12 – Classic moment courtesy of Andy: “To clarify, Lynne, you’re not home smoking on a bong all day?”
9:13 – OMG! How can Gretchen not know who Florence Nightingale is? Or “All About Eve,” for that matter?
9:15 – Classic moment courtesy of Andy, part 2: “This is a no skank zone.”
9:17 – Jeana calls her date, Allen, from the season finale “a little geographically undesirable.” Drat! He was cute.
9:18 – Jeana is delusional about defending her son Shayne’s ridiculously hostile behavior toward her.
9:19 – Thank God! Andy totally calls her on it, asking why she always defends said bad behavior – especially when it’s directed toward her.
9:20 – “I try not to tell the children what to do,” Jeana says. Bingo! That’s your first problem!
9:22 – Jeana, feeling on the defensive, decides to attack the weakest of the bunch – Lynne – when she says, “I had a Lynne moment.” Snap!
9:23 – Oh, boy. Here comes Lynne’s water works. Wait a sec – all those mean things Vicki and Tamra said about Lynne being dumb don’t upset her, but Jeana’s statement makes her cry?
9:24 – Jeana apologizes – sort of: “She didn’t expect that from me. I never pick on her.”
9:26 – Vicki to Lynne: “You’ve hurt my feelings a lot, too.” Who the heck is she kidding?
9:32 – Now it’s getting juicy: Andy asks pointed questions about Tamra’s *etiquette* party in which she and Vicki vow to get Gretchen “naked wasted.” I’m still not sure what the heck that means.
9:34 – Tamra pleads stupidity and blames booze. “I was the most ashamed and most embarrassed in my entire life,” she swears. Somehow, I don’t believe her. “I guess I’m a mean drunk.” Now that I agree with! So what’s her excuse the rest of the time?
9:37 – Gretchen, who’s been classy thus far, says she accepted Tamra’s apology.
9:40 – Waaahhh?? Gretchen’s got a boyfriend she’s been keeping on the side the whole time?
9:42 – Tamra gives a long-winded explanation about some guy named Jay (or is it “J” as in Jeff?) calling her and threatening to out Gretchen about their relationship. Gretchen fesses up that she was with this guy at 1 a.m. after a party, but that he’s an ex-boyfriend who’s been harassing her.
9:43 – Tamra asks Gretchen if Jay was at Bass Lake with her. She cops to it, but says he’s a family friend and that nothing was going on. Hmmm, that seems kinda weird. Still, even if Gretchen had a boyfriend and the whole Jeff show was bogus, Tamra doesn’t have to be so darn mean.
9:44 – Snap again! Jeana’s on a roll. She says she saw Jay’s clothes laying on the floor… of Gretchen’s bedroom.
9:45 – “It’s all about moral character,” declares Tamra. Ha! Look who’s talking!
9:46 – Tamra to Gretchen: “You’re such a (expletive deleted) victim, aren’t you?”
9:50 – Lynne while watching video of her daughter Raquel, drinking and being a brat: “It looks like me when I was 17.” Shocking!
9:52 – Vicki says her kids are good, and that she would take their phones and cars away if they behaved like Raquel. You know, I believe her. And seriously, her kids are the best of the bunch. Wow, that’s quite a statement.
9:55 – Lauri’s back. (yawn) Josh is doing well… in jail, she reluctantly admits to a prying Andy. “I recognize my son again,” she says. Well, that’s a start I suppose.
9:58 – Dang! That shirt is hilarious!
Update: A real-life Jersey girl (that would be me – born, bred and still resides) will blog live on Facebook beginning at 11 p.m. EDT Tuesday, May 12, during the premiere of Bravo’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Come join me and share your thoughts as we meet these five women. Click here or look up my handle, TV Blogger Ava Gacser, on Facebook. I look forward to seeing you!