“Rock of Love Bus” finale: Taya wins? Wassa goin’ on here?

Is Bret Michaels really a “standard jerk in a rock star uniform”?

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Probably not, but watching the Poison frontman choose Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya Parker over wholesome (hey, compared to her competition she certainly was!) Mindy Hall in last night’s finale of “Rock of Love Bus” did leave you wondering: What the heck is he thinking?

What about all of the weeks of assorted people – the other contestants and even Bret himself – pointing out and questioning The Pet’s never-ending plugging of Penthouse? It came up again last night, in a hilarious montage of scenes throughout the season in which The Pet uttered the word “Penthouse” (not to mention the number of times she’s worn her “Penthouse Pet” tank top). But apparently that didn’t matter in the end to Bret – heck, maybe the whole season has been a collusion between Bret and Penthouse to get them both plenty of publicity – because he picked her anyway.

“I was not expecting to fall for this guy,” said The Pet, in what was probably the most emotion she showed all season long. “I just need him to love me for me.”

About 24 hours after he got down and dirty with Captain Buzzkill, Bret was ready to seal the deal with The Pet.

“Jump into my bed of roses,” (just watch out for those thorns!) he said in an *accent* that sounded strangely like Bela Lugosi doing “Dracula.” “I will make love to you.”

“He’s the most romantic guy,” gushed The Pet. “He knows how to crawl into your heart and stick in there.”

No, that sounds more like a parasite…which you just might be bringing home with you if you drink the water.

The Pet certainly played her cards right. Even though she’s spread her legs for more photo shoots than gynecological appointments, she refused to sleep with him. And that just drove Bret crazy.

“The fact that Taya didn’t stay the night has nothing to do with the fact that now I can’t stop thinking about her,” he declared, wistfully watching her return to her hotel room.

Bret’s decision to pick The Pet left Captain Buzzkill visibly shell-shocked.

“She’s trying to paint herself as Miss Goody Two Shoes,” Captain Buzzkill said of The Pet. “(She talks like) ‘No matter how many times I pose naked in a magazine, I’m not really that girl.’ Well yeah, you are.”

I suppose Captain Buzzkill thought she had it in the bag, even though she found it practically impossible to express her feelings to Bret and spent much of the season complaining and being, as Bret puts it, “in a funk.” For that reason alone I understand why he didn’t pick her; who wants to be around someone negative that you feel like you always have to cheer up?

Frankly, if I was Bret I would’ve left both of these women standing there on the beach in the Dominican Republic. Thank God he didn’t give The Pet that engagement ring, either. (From what little you could actually see of them, it looked like she picked the classier piece.) What are the chances that he’ll actually wind up giving The Pet that ring?

Yeah, exactly.

And what are the chances that there will be another season of Bret Michaels looking for love?

Mmmm hmmmm…

Next up, the reunion! Now that should be fascinating.

4 Comments

  1. BetsyB said,

    April 17, 2009 at 4:23 am

    Bret Michaels is DISGUSTING!!! He’s certainly full of himself and obviously thinks he’s God’s gift to (skanky) women. Mindy was certainly the best of the lot, but, of course, he chose the Queen of Skank. How “Taya” can constantly refer to herself as being “a lady,” “classy,” and elegant while posing in Penthouse is COMPLETELY beyond me. That’s supposed to be an accomplishment?? She and BM DESERVE each other!! VH1, PLEASE, PLEASE spare us from another episode of this crap!!!

  2. Regina said,

    April 17, 2009 at 1:57 am

    one more thing, I think someone should see how much Taya”The Pet” got paid by Penthouse for all the free advertisement she gave them all during the show. She probably got a bundle from them when she won.

  3. Regina said,

    April 17, 2009 at 1:54 am

    Just one correction to your statement, The Pet as you called her “good one by the way” did do the deed with bret she just didnt spend the night. As for EVERYTHING else you said ” I totally agree” I also think Bret is only doing this show to see how many more young women he can take to his bed of roses before he dies of old age all alone. This show should be called rock of lust not rock of love.

  4. mama mia said,

    April 13, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Absolutely!


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