“Real Housewives of New Jersey”: My big fat Italian vacation

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I’ve seen some people kvetching online about how lame this week’s “My Big Fat Italian Vacation” episode of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” was, but I loved every minute of it.

If only what happens in Italy, stays in Italy./Photo credit Bravo

And there were a million and one reasons to love it. And much of the credit belongs to Teresa Giudice, who came up with the idea in the first place and whose antics before, during – and who knows, probably after, too! – made for some pretty amusing television. Just watch:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

By the way, I’m so relieved to see “Fabulous!!!” works in any country. Now if only they could learn to say it in Italian…

Favoloso!

If you can count on nothing else in the world of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” you can be assured that Teresa will be Teresa, no matter where she is. “Oh, look how boo-tee-ful!” she explains in Saint Mark’s Square (aka Piazza San Marco) in Venice. Later, she scours the maze of shops for Chanel (or “Chanels,” as Juicy Joe calls it) as her increasingly frustrated and exhausted entourage (which includes her four small children and both sets of parents) lags far behind.

(Think we’ll see a montage like this next week? I can only hope!)

When she discovers Chanel is closed, Teresa consoles herself by purchasing a monstrous emerald-colored Murano glass ring. “It looks like a growth,” Grumpy Joe grumbles as she shows it off. Later, as they ride a water taxi to their cruise ship, Teresa repeatedly yells, “Joe, spank me!” And, once arriving at said cruise ship, she marvels, “It’s bigger than the Titanic!” The unfortunate comparison is not only untrue but unnerving to at least one of her companions: “Quit comparing it to the Titanic,” Jacqueline Laurita tells her.

This little girl has personality up the wazoo./Photo credit Bravo

Judging by the way Teresa’s third eldest daughter acts (that’s Milania, who turned 4 during this vacation), we can be rest-assured that Teresa’s joie de vivre will live on…and on. I can’t wait!

Here’s a rundown of the places and faces of the last two episodes:

Episode 14

Oakland Diner (Oakland): Danielle Staub meets up with her only new BFF, Danny Provenzano, at her favorite hangout. While she’s busy blathering on about her blueberry/banana smoothie, Danny’s chuckling over the latest dish about Joe’s scary car accident.

While Joe and Teresa (who refers to the flipped pickup truck as “an unfortunate situation”) downplay the severity of the crash, a new report says it caused him to subsequently lose his license for a year, pay a fine and perform community service. Joe’s lawyer, meanwhile, is appealing the sentence and as a result, Joe will be back in court on Aug. 20. That, by the way, is just two days before the Giudices’ possessions are scheduled to be auctioned off in an attempt to pay off bankruptcy debt.

Costa Deliziosa: The Giudices, Lauritas and Manzos board this cruise ship in Venice. While on board, Teresa and Joe saddle Caroline and Albert with their three oldest girls so that they can get the same kind of *alone* time Caroline and Albert were looking forward to, Jacqueline and Teresa get hammered on mojitos, Milania turns 4 in crabby fashion by rejecting her birthday cake (“I don’t wanna!!!!!”), and Joe and Chris bond and talk about – wait for it – Danielle, of all things. “She definitely got dropped on her head a few times when she was born,” Joe surmises. Dudes, you’re sailing in the Mediterranean. Seriously. Is there nothing else you can think of to talk about???

FYI, Dina Manzo tweeted that she bought Teresa’s daughters’ faux coats/hats at Eat Your Spinach Children’s Boutique in Ridgewood.

Episode 13

The Brownstone (Paterson): Teresa and Juicy Joe meet with Caroline’s son, Christopher, to discuss baby Audriana’s over-the-top christening party. Despite JJ’s reservations, Teresa wants “the works,” including a cocktail hour and sit-down dinner. “I did notice Joe was a little nervous,” Teresa remarks. Yes, T, he’s adding up all the dollar signs in his head.

Later on, during the christening afterparty, JJ is in fine form (that’s my sarcastic way of saying he’s super grumpy… and really, who can blame him?). “I hate when you throw a party,” he tells Teresa. (Though I must say, I loved Audriana’s blinged-out binky! Anyone know where that’s from?) Later, he bids his wife adieu. “Goodnight, I’m going home,” he says. “I don’t want to see the bill.”

Wayne Medical Center (Wayne): Danielle brings her 16-year-old daughter Christine here for her first OB/GYN appointment. Egads, this is embarrassing enough without it being broadcast on national television! “I believe the really only safe way to have sex is abstinence,” declares Mommy Dearest. (Obviously, Danielle is from the “do as I say, not as I do” school of thought.) Dr. Steven Domnitz – who, by the way, is the very same one who saw Jacqueline through her pregnancy with Nicholas – shills heavily in favor of Christine getting the HPV vaccine.  As Christine sits there mortified by it all, Danielle begs, “Can you please just tell me you’re not gonna have sex?”

Oakland Diner (Oakland): OK, Danielle is officially stalking this place. During a “nice family meal” with daughters Christine and Jillian, Danielle discovers that her *bestie* Kim G.’s been blabbing all over town about Danielle’s quest to find her birth mother. She’s especially upset that Christine learned about it at school instead of hearing it from her first. But instead of sitting with her girls and explaining things, she runs outside, dials the “busted-up Rick Springfield” aka Danny (which, frankly, I think is an insult to one of my favorite teen idols) and whines to him about how horrible Kim G. is.

Separated at birth? I think not.

Portobello (Oakland): Danielle has it out with Kim G. in front of who-knows-how-many restaurant patrons. “I’ve had enough of your sneakiness!” Kim G. retaliates, also by turns calling Danielle a “piece of ****” and adding, “You’ll be an f’in old lady with your fake and square tits!”

1 Comment

  1. Simply T~ said,

    August 13, 2010 at 10:54 am

    I liked it! I was entertained. I say two thumbs up and FABULOUS! (Sidenote: National Lampoon’s European Vacation is one of my favorite 80’s movies!)


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