Jesse James speaks

I heard Jesse James – who most recently starred in “The Celebrity Apprentice” on NBC – stopped by The Howard Stern Show on Sirius Radio this week.

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Jesse’s appearance was to promote his new Spike show, “Jesse James is a Dead Man” (which premieres at 10 p.m. May 31), but he was also apparently thrilled to meet the King of All Media.

“I feel like I’ve finally made it,” he told Howard. “I’ve done ’60 Minutes’ and everything else, but being here…”

Naturally, Howard’s two favorite subjects for the biker were the women in his life, both past and present: ex-wife and porn star Janine Lindemulder and current wife and famous actress Sandra Bullock.

Of his marriage to Janine (who is currently serving time in jail for tax evasion and with whom he has a young daughter, Sunny), Jesse said, “Sometimes things aren’t what they seem… I more got into that relationship for everybody else. So guys like you would think I was cool.”

When Howard asked Jesse if he would recommend marrying a porn star to other guys, Jesse said, “Just buy the DVD.”

As for his relationship with Sandra, Jesse said, “I’ve always been honest with her right from the start. I was like, ‘Hey, I dated a porn star’ and ‘Hey, we’re having a kid.’ At several points, I expected her to turn around and run.”

Jesse explained that the pair met when she brought her godson to tour the set of his show, “Monster Garage.”

“I kind of automatically figured she was a b*tch,” he admitted. “But she’s smart and looks you in the eye when she talks to you… so I contacted her assistant and said, ‘Hey, I wanna ask her out.’ So I asked her out and she said no.”

To those of you who saw Jesse in action on “Celebrity Apprentice” it’s not a surprise that he didn’t give up.

“We kinda emailed back and forth for a couple months… it was the first relationship I’d ever been in that was (preceded) by a courtship.”

Jesse said he didn’t get to kiss Sandra until the second date.

“And she kissed me,” he told Howard. “Caught me off guard, too.”

It was a few months before they finally sealed the deal and slept together. But apparently, it was worth it: “It was awesome,” he confirmed.

Winning the trust of Sandra’s friends was a lot more difficult.

“All her friends. 100 percent,” he said. “They were like, ‘Absolutely no way.'”

Howard asked him if he ever thought about Sandra’s past Hollywood boyfriends (who include Matthew McConaughey and Ryan Gosling) but Jesse laughed it off.

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“None of those dudes can weld,”  he said.

And in an interview with the New York Daily News, Jesse revealed that one of the reasons he wanted to do “Celebrity Apprentice” was to meet – and apologize to – Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton.

It turns out a teenage Jesse stole Scott’s 1985 Porsche Targe from outside the skater’s San Diego apartment. Although Jesse was never caught for the deed, it’s a burden he’s apparently carried around with him.

“I always felt bad about it,” he told the Daily News. “I figured I’d never have a chance to say anything to him.”

Until the night Scott was fired and Jesse followed him out of  Trump Tower.

“He looked at me,” Scott said. “I could tell he was concerned. He said, ‘I never made it right with you.’ Once I knew the whole story, I thought it was kind of funny to learn 20 years later that Jesse James stole my car and stripped it.”

“I was sorry,” Jesse confessed. “It was like a huge monkey off my back.”

Jesse James slams Dennis Rodman in “Celebrity Apprentice” finale

I’m not going to bother analyzing NBC’s bloviated, agonizing, three-hour-long “Celebrity Apprentice” finale, but I will say this: Annie Duke deserved to win.

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She played the game the most fierce of anyone I’ve seen, and she did incredible work (especially fundraising; no matter she essentially brow-beat friends into giving her large sums of cash) which should have been recognized by her winning the top spot. Donald Trump had other ideas, however, and dubbed his buddy Joan Rivers the Celebrity Apprentice. I still don’t think his explanation (what little there was) makes much sense, but hey, this is a reality television show! Who said it has to make sense?

Despite Annie and Joan Rivers’ constant bickering – which honestly was growing tiresome by the third, interminably long hour – the most interesting exchange of the evening came between Jesse James and Dennis Rodman during one of the live segments broadcast from New York City’s American Museum of Natural History. Donald, ever the instigator, asked Dennis how he felt about what Jesse had previously said about him.

(Let me refresh your memory: It was “I think Dennis has obviously got a drinking problem,” which is what everyone else on the show was thinking but Jesse was the only one to actually have the nerve to say it.)

Dennis, who seems to have trouble articulating a single thought, turned the exchange into an opportunity to bash Jesse for his fundraising skills (or lack thereof).

“His wife (Sandra Bullock) makes $20 million a movie, and you’re going to tell me your friends don’t have money?” Dennis blurted out.

“You can keep saying whatever you want,” Jesse retorted calmly (he’s so calm sometimes that I imagine I’d get pretty PO’d if I were arguing with him), “but the problem isn’t diverted away from yourself. If you weren’t so stupid, you’d realize that the only reason I said anything to you is because I care about you.”

The sincerity behind the end of the sentence is wonderful, but it doesn’t completely negate Jesse calling Dennis “stupid.” But then again, “stupid” is one of Jesse’s favorite barbs to throw at his fellow contestants. A few episodes back, he lobbed it at Clint Black, who pigheadedly continued on with his own vision for the Right Guard advertisement: “I laid out one idea that was 100 percent original,” Jesse told Clint, “but you’re too (bleeping) stupid to realize it.”

(For the record, Clint may have been unwilling to listen to Jesse, but the team’s ad still wound up beating Annie’s team.)

Donald quickly put an end to their conversation, telling Jesse he should not have called Dennis dumb.

Jesse James: “I really could care less who wins (‘Celebrity Apprentice’)”

No surprises, here: Jesse James is so over “Celebrity Apprentice.” Just watch:

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Jesse’s enthusiasm for the show has really skyrocketed, hasn’t it? No matter. As long as he makes an appearance on the finale this Sunday (things kick off at 8 p.m. EDT on NBC), I’ll be happy. But I can tell you that Jesse will not, unfortunately, be one of the firees (is that a word?) returning to help Joan Rivers and Annie Duke win the final task. Those lucky ducks (and I use that term loosely) are Dennis Rodman, Tom Green, Melissa Rivers, Brande Roderick, Clint Black and Herschel Walker.

Oh, well. It’ll be great to see Tom Green again. Can you imagine if Melissa Rivers, Dennis Rodman and Tom are all on Annie’s side? What a perfect storm that would be!

No, no, no! Jesse James belongs in “Celebrity Apprentice’s” final two!

How disappointing was it tonight when Donald Trump fired Jesse James on “Celebrity Apprentice”?

I'll take another helping of Jesse, please.

I'll take another helping of Jesse, please.

Honestly, I think Jesse is more qualified to compete in the final task than Joan Rivers. But naturally, it all boils down to ratings. And evidently NBC thinks more people will tune in to watch the cat fight between Joan and shrewd poker player Annie Duke than if the final two were Jesse and Annie.

I’m not so sure, though. Judging by the amount of traffic Jesse has attracted on this blog, I would say that’s not at all the case. I’m guessing that a lot of women – myself included – find Jesse smart, funny, attractive and likable. He’s also extremely mysterious. The guy has tons of tats and has an insane need for speed. He’s also been married to a porn actress. (Yup. More on that in a future post.) Yet on “Celebrity Apprentice” he comes across as reserved and quiet.  (At least on this show. His upcoming Spike series, “Jesse James is a Dead Man,” will probably be a different story.)

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Clearly, this guy is a study in contrasts. And that’s what is so fascinating about him. He draws you in and makes you want to learn more. I totally understand what Sandra Bullock sees in him.

And really, Trump’s reasons for firing Jesse were pretty lame. Sure, Jesse’s a quiet dude who keeps his hand close to his vest. He also never used his wife’s notoriety for his own personal gain. Then again, he didn’t use it to for the collective gain of his team, either. But was that reason enough to fire him?

I don’t think so. Bring Jesse back!

“Celebrity Apprentice”: Jesse loses it

Jesse James may have acted like a bit of a jerk last night on “Celebrity Apprentice,” but I still love him.

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Sure, most of the time Clint Black comes across as incredibly annoying and a know-it-all. But what did he do last night that so set Jesse off? I mean, Jesse has been, thus far, so level-headed and cool in “Celebrity Apprentice” that it was shocking to see him so infuriated with their Right Guard task.

“Clint sucks,” declared Jesse as Clint continued to micromanage their task. “…The ad’s cheesy. The layout’s cheesy. The photos are dumb. It’s a bummer.

“I hate it.”

I’m sure it stuck in Jesse’s craw to see Clint act like he was an expert at advertorial displays when Jesse owns his own magazine and has plenty of experience in that area.

Jesse's kind of like the Hulk: You don't want to see him when he's angry.

Jesse's kind of like the Hulk: You don't want to see him when he's angry.

“I laid out one idea that was 100 percent original, but you’re too (bleeping) stupid to realize it,” Jesse told Clint.

The funny/scary part of all of this is how calmly Jesse speaks even when you know he is seriously angry.

Joan Rivers wisely kept her mouth shut as Jesse and Clint threw knives (figuratively speaking) at one another.

“This sounds like my first marriage,” she declared at one point.

Fortunately, KOTU won the challenge and that significantly lightened the mood between Jesse and Clint. Jesse admitted that he still thought their advertisement sucked, but that it was better than Athena’s. Then he turned his attentions to Joan, who was seated between he and Clint.

“There’s this crazy sexual electricity between us,” he told Donald Trump.

That Jesse is so crazy – and hot!

Meanwhile, Joan’s daughter Melissa was just plain crazy when Trump fired her. She went berserk, telling the show’s producers that she wouldn’t agree to an interview and repeatedly yelled “(bleeping) whores!” about her teammates, Brande Roderick and Annie Duke. I can understand her frustration at being eliminated over those two, but the bottom line is that Trump is clearly looking for someone who can pull in a lot of money. Melissa had not been able to do that. Then again, neither has Jesse, but that hasn’t adversely affected him – yet.  Melissa’s intense reaction proved that as annoying as Brande and Annie are, they were right – she was taking things entirely too personally.

Anyway, what are the chances that Joan will return to fight another day? Pretty good, I’d say. She’s going to fight on behalf of Melissa, you watch.

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