“Rock of Love Bus”: The Pet vs. Captain Buzzkill

Holy crap, is Bret Michaels actually going to propose marriage to either Taya or Mindy on next week’s finale of “Rock of Love Bus”?

Well, I am getting older.../all photos VH1

Well, I am getting older.../all photos VH1

Considering Bret’s track record thus far – though Ambre was several more steps in the right direction than his choice during the first season, Jes – I highly doubt it. But the preview for next week’s season finale certainly gives that impression. In it, he says this:

“This is the last time I want to do this and that’s why I’m holding this ring.”

I bet it’s a *promise* ring. I mean, c’mon, he was ready to kick both Mindy and Taya to the curb this week. I can’t imagine him going into a potential relationship with their one of them without having major reservations.

Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Today’s episode was entertaining (as usual) and full of dead-on analyses by both Bret and the girls, as well as irony aplenty. Things kicked off great with Taya (aka “The Pet”) complaining about the fact that her competition, Mindy and Jamie, just won’t stop suggesting that she’s on the show to promote Penthouse rather than find true love with Bret.

taya

Don't hate me because I'm a Pet.

“I’m sick of hearing about it,” she whined… all the while wearing her Penthouse Pet T-shirt.

Meanwhile, The Pet’s former BFF, Mindy (or, as Bret prefers to call her, “Captain Buzzkill”), spends all of her alone time with Bret talking about The Pet!

I'm like the Energizer Bunny. I just keep talking and talking and talking... about Taya.

I'm like the Energizer Bunny. I just keep talking and talking and talking... about Taya.

“Oh, good God,” declared the clearly exasperated rocker. “Do we always have to talk about Taya?”

Fortunately, Bret found that nearly sucking Captain Buzzkill’s face off keeps the talk of The Pet to a minimum.

“Hey Taya, this is what Bret looks like making out with his girlfriend,” Captain Buzzkill bit back. See? Even in the midst of making out, Buzzkill’s got The Pet on her mind.

“I love her dearly, but that’s my guy,” replied The Pet. I was just waiting for her to say, “… whom I do not love dearly.”

In the meantime, Jamie spends a lot of time sitting around the Drama Zone.

Is it possible to be too honest?

Is it possible to be too honest?

“Jamie’s like an insurance policy,” Bret pointed out. “If Mindy is in a funk, I’ve got Jamie.”

I like Jamie. She’s straightforward and doesn’t appear to be insane. She’s perfect for Bret – except for the fact that she doesn’t want a serious relationship, is probably 20 years younger than him (which explains the former) and may just be a groupie. But hey, nobody’s perfect.

Jamie also had no problem calling it like she sees it. “I think (The Pet) is crazy, I think she’s mental,” she told Bret. “She definitely hasn’t told you the truth. She’s definitely not 29. She’s totally still a stripper.”

Bret, oddly enough, didn’t seem surprised by any of these revelations. And things didn’t get any better with he shares a meal with the three ladies.

“It’s like eating with my in-laws,” he complained (though considering he was never married, I’m not sure how he knows that’s what it’s like). “If I go through another dinner like this, I’m going to send all three of you home.”

Good idea, Bret! The “Sisters Grim” (as he dubbed them) are real downers. “I don’t do good with funks,” he admitted.

The most hilarious part of the episode came when Bret decided to relax with the ladies after dinner. As he walked toward them, he overheard The Pet whine, “I’m 29 going on 129!”

“On second thought, maybe I’ll just go catch some sleep,” he said, turning around.

But in the end, though, Bret’s concerns about Jamie led to him cutting her loose. In typical Jamie fashion, though, she took it in stride – which either makes you think a) she’s just as cool as you think she is or b) being with Bret didn’t mean as much to her as it *should.*

“I’ll get over it,” she promised. “I hope we can be friends. … Maybe he can hook me up with some tickets to Poison.”

So what are the chances that The Pet and Captain Buzzkill are going to declare their love for one another and walk off into the sunset together, leaving Bret in the dust?

Pretty good, I’d say.

“Rock of Love Bus”: Buh-bye, Beverly

Beverly bit the dust this week on “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.” While her departure wasn’t exactly a surprise – after all, Bret’s never acted particularly romantic toward her – I’m still sorry to see her go.

all photos VH1

all photos VH1

It didn’t matter to Bret that the song Beverly wrote was cute, funny, smart and clever – I especially loved the line “so many skanks I had to beat” – Taya’s previous music studio experience (and all around general Penthouse hotness, I suppose) won him over, and he declared her the winner. Fortunately, he must’ve felt that Bev came in a close second, because he brought her along on the solo date, too.

Bev's practically catatonic listening to Taya blab on and on./VH1

Bev's practically catatonic listening to Taya blab on and on.

“Ha ha,” crowed Bev. “Too bad, so sad. I get to go, too!”

During the date – which, as usual, involved a Bret Michaels concert – Taya complained about Bev and Bev complained about Taya. Including these gems:

Taya on Bev: “Beeyotch won’t get out of my face with the rock hands. Seriously.”

Bev on Taya: “Taya is doing some sort of swivelly – I don’t know – Penthouse dance, and it just looks stupid.”

Unfortunately, Bev made the poor decision to ask Bret for his autograph for her kids rather than make any sex moves on him in the limo. I think that pretty much sealed her fate right there. Or maybe it was a few weeks ago when she decided to do this:

Straddling Bret's head probably wasn't the smartest move Beverly made during her time on the "Rock of Love Bus."/VH1

Straddling Bret's head probably wasn't the smartest move Beverly made during her time on the "Rock of Love Bus."/VH1

In the end, Bret questioned Bev’s motivation: “I gotta wonder if you see me as Bret the potential boyfriend or Bret Michaels the rock star.”

Ummm… After Heather and Ambre’s assessment last week, I think he should be asking Jamie that question! Didn’t they have serious concerns about her being a groupie? Heck, didn’t she admit that she wouldn’t be all into Bret if he wasn’t in a band? Why is Beverly being an “uber fan” worse to Bret than Jamie being a groupie?

And what was up with Mindy’s whining throughout the entire episode? It was either “In a game of love, I always lose, and I don’t want to lose this time” or “She’s (Taya) always perfect” or “My job is not to be Taya’s cheerleader; it’s to be Mindy’s cheerleader” or one of the million times she uttered the phrase “I can’t” – as in “I can’t sing,” “I can’t write a song” or “I can’t be as cute/sexy/hot as Taya.” Can’t can’t can’t can’t can’t.  It was rather annoying!

What are the chances that Bret would’ve sent Mindy home had she not taken those hot pictures with Jamie? (Of course, Bret probably didn’t realize it was Jamie’s idea in the first place… because Mindy was too busy saying “I can’t.”)

We also learned this week that Taya’s got quite the foul mouth – at least when Bret’s not around. Then, she acts all prim and proper. I can’t say I think Bret’s gotten a good idea of what she’s really like. If I were him, I’d also be concerned about that psycho ex-boyfriend of hers from last week. One has to wonder about the woman who’d seriously date anyone of his questionable caliber.

Not to mention Taya’s questionable choice in movies. “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” is her favorite? Seriously?

Of course, we’ve got to wait two more weeks before VH1 airs a new episode. And it looks to be a doozy, too, with Bret growing more and more exasperated with the remaining three. (And really, who can blame him?) “If I go through another dinner like this, I’m going to send all three of you home,” he threatens. I can’t wait!

“Rock of Love Bus”: Wassa goin’ on here?

Ding dong –  the witch is dead!

Some things are just not meant to be./VH1

Some things are just not meant to be./VH1

I’ve been hoping for weeks now that Bret would see the light and kick Juliette Lewis – ooops, I mean Ashley – to the curb. But now that it’s actually happened, I have to say that I’m really going to miss her. Miss Mouth was full of hilarious one-liners, and the girls who are left behind pale in comparison.

Of course, they’re also much nicer and aren’t cheating on their baby daddies, either…

Seriously, look at her boobs. (Like it's possible to look anywhere else.) Each one is as big as Mindy's head!/VH1

Seriously, look at Ashley's boobs. (Like it's possible to look anywhere else.) Each one is as big as Mindy's head!/VH1

I’m not surprised in the least that Bret eliminated Brittanya, though I’m surprised that it took this long. I guess she figured that if Heather can pummel Daisy during last year’s “Rock of Love 2” reunion that she could do the same. Maybe spitting at Heather did the trick? On “Rock of Love: Charm School,” spitting was enough to get Brandi C. sent home. Oh, Brittanya, did you learn nothing?

I find it incredibly hard to believe that Brittanya, who showed no emotion the entire series, became so enraged and impassioned. Puhleese.

There were so many hilarious moments in today’s episode that I’m not sure where to begin.

“An ex-boyfriend’s a lot like a living sex tape,” intoned Bret. “You never know when they’re gonna surface, and you never know how much you’re going to expose.”

Thanks for the analogy, Bret.

Gosh, I still really like Beverly, but dang, most of the time I just want to shake her. She could be a serious contender – heck, she’s now officially in the final four – but she needs to get her act together, pronto. Stop whining about how nobody loves you. “My ex doesn’t even have enough respect for me to show up,” she wailed. Who wants to be around someone who’s always crying or drunk or both? Ugh. Enough already!

This picture just hints at the nuttiness that is Brittanya./VH1

This picture just hints at the nuttiness that is Brittanya./VH1

Brittanya’s hookup, Royal T, was a trip. It was real classy of him to refer to her as his piece of you-know-what. Taya’s ex, Jaz, was just a raging misogynist, and Ambre should’ve socked him for referring to her hair as “stapled-a** extensions.”

And James, Ashley’s baby daddy (with whom she still shacks up, apparently sleeps with and evidently has a tattoo of on her breast), was a piece of work, too. “Now that I came, she ain’t gonna be fightin’ for Bret no more,” he promised Ambre and Heather.

The “Wassa Goin’ On Court” segment was hi-lar-ious. I know Bret says that a lot, but I crack up every time I hear it. I may just have to incorporate it into my everyday speech.

At the beginning of the episode, Ashley whined about her remaining competitors. “This is the most boring conversation that I have ever had… I’d rather sit here in silence to be honest with you.”

At the end of the episode – right after she was eliminated – she echoed a similar sentiment.

“I was having fun until my BF Farrah left,” she moaned. “And then Bret got rid of her and I had to be stuck with these girls who made me want to kill myself. Seriously, they talked about cereal for three hours yesterday. Are you kidding me?”

So much for her love affair with Bret, too. “Good luck having fun with Gopher and the 1986 prom queen,” Ashley said in her parting shot.

Who on earth is she talking about?

Take a peek at the upcoming “Rock of Love” spin-off, “Daisy of Love,” by going here.

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