“Rock of Love Bus” finale: Taya wins? Wassa goin’ on here?

Is Bret Michaels really a “standard jerk in a rock star uniform”?

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Probably not, but watching the Poison frontman choose Penthouse Pet of the Year Taya Parker over wholesome (hey, compared to her competition she certainly was!) Mindy Hall in last night’s finale of “Rock of Love Bus” did leave you wondering: What the heck is he thinking?

What about all of the weeks of assorted people – the other contestants and even Bret himself – pointing out and questioning The Pet’s never-ending plugging of Penthouse? It came up again last night, in a hilarious montage of scenes throughout the season in which The Pet uttered the word “Penthouse” (not to mention the number of times she’s worn her “Penthouse Pet” tank top). But apparently that didn’t matter in the end to Bret – heck, maybe the whole season has been a collusion between Bret and Penthouse to get them both plenty of publicity – because he picked her anyway.

“I was not expecting to fall for this guy,” said The Pet, in what was probably the most emotion she showed all season long. “I just need him to love me for me.”

About 24 hours after he got down and dirty with Captain Buzzkill, Bret was ready to seal the deal with The Pet.

“Jump into my bed of roses,” (just watch out for those thorns!) he said in an *accent* that sounded strangely like Bela Lugosi doing “Dracula.” “I will make love to you.”

“He’s the most romantic guy,” gushed The Pet. “He knows how to crawl into your heart and stick in there.”

No, that sounds more like a parasite…which you just might be bringing home with you if you drink the water.

The Pet certainly played her cards right. Even though she’s spread her legs for more photo shoots than gynecological appointments, she refused to sleep with him. And that just drove Bret crazy.

“The fact that Taya didn’t stay the night has nothing to do with the fact that now I can’t stop thinking about her,” he declared, wistfully watching her return to her hotel room.

Bret’s decision to pick The Pet left Captain Buzzkill visibly shell-shocked.

“She’s trying to paint herself as Miss Goody Two Shoes,” Captain Buzzkill said of The Pet. “(She talks like) ‘No matter how many times I pose naked in a magazine, I’m not really that girl.’ Well yeah, you are.”

I suppose Captain Buzzkill thought she had it in the bag, even though she found it practically impossible to express her feelings to Bret and spent much of the season complaining and being, as Bret puts it, “in a funk.” For that reason alone I understand why he didn’t pick her; who wants to be around someone negative that you feel like you always have to cheer up?

Frankly, if I was Bret I would’ve left both of these women standing there on the beach in the Dominican Republic. Thank God he didn’t give The Pet that engagement ring, either. (From what little you could actually see of them, it looked like she picked the classier piece.) What are the chances that he’ll actually wind up giving The Pet that ring?

Yeah, exactly.

And what are the chances that there will be another season of Bret Michaels looking for love?

Mmmm hmmmm…

Next up, the reunion! Now that should be fascinating.

“Rock of Love Bus”: The Pet vs. Captain Buzzkill

Holy crap, is Bret Michaels actually going to propose marriage to either Taya or Mindy on next week’s finale of “Rock of Love Bus”?

Well, I am getting older.../all photos VH1

Well, I am getting older.../all photos VH1

Considering Bret’s track record thus far – though Ambre was several more steps in the right direction than his choice during the first season, Jes – I highly doubt it. But the preview for next week’s season finale certainly gives that impression. In it, he says this:

“This is the last time I want to do this and that’s why I’m holding this ring.”

I bet it’s a *promise* ring. I mean, c’mon, he was ready to kick both Mindy and Taya to the curb this week. I can’t imagine him going into a potential relationship with their one of them without having major reservations.

Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Today’s episode was entertaining (as usual) and full of dead-on analyses by both Bret and the girls, as well as irony aplenty. Things kicked off great with Taya (aka “The Pet”) complaining about the fact that her competition, Mindy and Jamie, just won’t stop suggesting that she’s on the show to promote Penthouse rather than find true love with Bret.

taya

Don't hate me because I'm a Pet.

“I’m sick of hearing about it,” she whined… all the while wearing her Penthouse Pet T-shirt.

Meanwhile, The Pet’s former BFF, Mindy (or, as Bret prefers to call her, “Captain Buzzkill”), spends all of her alone time with Bret talking about The Pet!

I'm like the Energizer Bunny. I just keep talking and talking and talking... about Taya.

I'm like the Energizer Bunny. I just keep talking and talking and talking... about Taya.

“Oh, good God,” declared the clearly exasperated rocker. “Do we always have to talk about Taya?”

Fortunately, Bret found that nearly sucking Captain Buzzkill’s face off keeps the talk of The Pet to a minimum.

“Hey Taya, this is what Bret looks like making out with his girlfriend,” Captain Buzzkill bit back. See? Even in the midst of making out, Buzzkill’s got The Pet on her mind.

“I love her dearly, but that’s my guy,” replied The Pet. I was just waiting for her to say, “… whom I do not love dearly.”

In the meantime, Jamie spends a lot of time sitting around the Drama Zone.

Is it possible to be too honest?

Is it possible to be too honest?

“Jamie’s like an insurance policy,” Bret pointed out. “If Mindy is in a funk, I’ve got Jamie.”

I like Jamie. She’s straightforward and doesn’t appear to be insane. She’s perfect for Bret – except for the fact that she doesn’t want a serious relationship, is probably 20 years younger than him (which explains the former) and may just be a groupie. But hey, nobody’s perfect.

Jamie also had no problem calling it like she sees it. “I think (The Pet) is crazy, I think she’s mental,” she told Bret. “She definitely hasn’t told you the truth. She’s definitely not 29. She’s totally still a stripper.”

Bret, oddly enough, didn’t seem surprised by any of these revelations. And things didn’t get any better with he shares a meal with the three ladies.

“It’s like eating with my in-laws,” he complained (though considering he was never married, I’m not sure how he knows that’s what it’s like). “If I go through another dinner like this, I’m going to send all three of you home.”

Good idea, Bret! The “Sisters Grim” (as he dubbed them) are real downers. “I don’t do good with funks,” he admitted.

The most hilarious part of the episode came when Bret decided to relax with the ladies after dinner. As he walked toward them, he overheard The Pet whine, “I’m 29 going on 129!”

“On second thought, maybe I’ll just go catch some sleep,” he said, turning around.

But in the end, though, Bret’s concerns about Jamie led to him cutting her loose. In typical Jamie fashion, though, she took it in stride – which either makes you think a) she’s just as cool as you think she is or b) being with Bret didn’t mean as much to her as it *should.*

“I’ll get over it,” she promised. “I hope we can be friends. … Maybe he can hook me up with some tickets to Poison.”

So what are the chances that The Pet and Captain Buzzkill are going to declare their love for one another and walk off into the sunset together, leaving Bret in the dust?

Pretty good, I’d say.

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