Jesse James: “I really could care less who wins (‘Celebrity Apprentice’)”

No surprises, here: Jesse James is so over “Celebrity Apprentice.” Just watch:

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Jesse’s enthusiasm for the show has really skyrocketed, hasn’t it? No matter. As long as he makes an appearance on the finale this Sunday (things kick off at 8 p.m. EDT on NBC), I’ll be happy. But I can tell you that Jesse will not, unfortunately, be one of the firees (is that a word?) returning to help Joan Rivers and Annie Duke win the final task. Those lucky ducks (and I use that term loosely) are Dennis Rodman, Tom Green, Melissa Rivers, Brande Roderick, Clint Black and Herschel Walker.

Oh, well. It’ll be great to see Tom Green again. Can you imagine if Melissa Rivers, Dennis Rodman and Tom are all on Annie’s side? What a perfect storm that would be!

“Celebrity Apprentice”: Always a bridesmaid, never a bride

I cannot begin to express how bummed I am that Tom Green was fired last night on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

NBC

Tom sure makes a beautiful blushing bride./NBC

How does Dennis Rodman deserve to be there more than Tom Green at this point? Sure, Tom was the project manager, and he screwed up big time. He was good at delegating, I’ll give him that, but he didn’t do a darn thing to help his team actually win the task. Why couldn’t he have made some phone calls, too?

It didn’t help that Tom got rip-roarin’ drunk with Dennis, either, and showed up late to the task on the second day. But Dennis didn’t show up at all. Should Tom really have been fired because he couldn’t wrangle Dennis up and make him fly straight? And don’t even get me started on Dennis’ lame excuse about having an allergic reaction to cats – or dogs – or whatever the heck he was rambling about. When was he even near animals? When he was hanging with that Russian *model*?

Besides, when all is said and done, Tom’s got 100 times the personality of Dennis, and he’s going to be sorely missed – at least by me.

As for the rest of the episode, there were some funny moments. Among them:

Mr. Sandra Bullock/Jesse James on Tom: “I think Tom is just one of those creative dudes that’s just kind of a d*** that you gotta put up with. He did actually say a lot of stuff that did make sense.”

Dennis on his general (yet misguided) fabulousness: “I’m like, you ever see the movie ‘Ghost’? He came back as a ghost and got inside Whoopi Goldberg’s body. That’s me.”

Herschel Walker on Dennis: “All he wants to do is go around the neighborhood and have a drink here or there. I don’t know how that’s going to sell wedding dresses.”

Jesse on Dennis: “The good thing about today is that we found out how to get Dennis to talk more and be more interactive. The bad thing about it is that it’s vodka and cranberry juice that makes him do that.”

While Tom said he can’t imagine anyone from KOTU (that’s Kings of the Universe, in case you forgot) winning the show, I could see Jesse James taking the whole thing. He’s no dummy.

“Celebrity Apprentice”: Here comes the bride

Can’t wait for tonight’s “Celebrity Apprentice” episode. Please, please, please don’t fire Tom Green, Mr. Trump!

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“Celebrity Apprentice”: EEE to the rescue!

I went into last night’s episode of “Celebrity Apprentice” assuming it would pretty much suck now that Andrew Dice Clay is gone.

The remaining comedian, Canadian (yes, that’s why he talks funny) Tom Green, looked like his days were numbered, too.  His fellow team members – most notably project manager Scott Hamilton and his sidekick, Clint Black – spent most of the time ignoring anything Tom had to say. Sure, it certainly seems like Tom has a propensity for goofing off (just watch the excerpt  below from his old TV show for absolute confirmation of that), but he did come up with some ideas and he did vehemently oppose the ridiculously named Zappos superheroine, EEE.

Speaking of EEE, oh, Scott Hamilton, what were you thinking???

Tom said it best, though: “Maybe we shouldn’t call the character EEE. It’s a bra size.”

The greatest exchange of the night came during the boardroom brawl between Tom and Scott. I was very impressed with Tom for speaking so calmly and seriously, never once resorting to jokes or mockery. When Scott played the cancer card – which amounted to little more than pleading with Trump that his cancer charity would suffer if he was fired – Tom jumped in to clarify that he, too, had a worthy cancer charity.

“We both had testicular cancer,” Tom told Trump. “I have one testicle. (glances at Scott) I’m not going to talk about you.”

Scott chimes in: “Together we’re a set.”

Gosh, I hope Tom leads Kings of the Universe to a win next week. The show will really stink if he’s kicked off.

“Celebrity Apprentice”: Why on earth did he fire Dice?

As soon as I heard that Andrew Dice Clay was going to be on “Celebrity Apprentice” I knew I was going to watch it.

Celebrity Apprentice

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But then last night, in the very first episode, Donald Trump fired him. That was really stupid. Dice was obnoxious and useless in the task – baking and selling cupcakes for charity – but the bottom line is he’s funny and entertaining to watch. Did you see him complaining about Trump not providing them with bagels when they first arrived? The poor thing was malnourished!

I love the team name the men came up with: KOTU. It sounds like a tribe name right out of “Survivor,” doesn’t it? What’s even funnier is what KOTU is an acronym for – Kings of the Universe.

It was funny when Mr. Sandra Bullock (aka Jesse James) compared Dice and Dennis Rodman’s performance in the task to Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in “The Simple Life,” and when Joan compared poker player Annie Duke (who I actually like, because as annoying as she was, she was right) to Mussolini.

I love Tom Green, too (his MTV show was hysterical), and I think he’s a great comedian, but his humor is more subtle and less in your face than Dice’s. There’s no doubt, though: Dice will be missed. (And I still think Trump should have fired Rodman. What was he hiding in the truck for?)

There were a bunch of great one-liners last night, that’s for sure. Here’s just a sampling:

Dice on Joan and Melissa Rivers: “What’s going on here? Joan’s doing a show, Melissa’s doing a show. Did they ever cut the umbilical cord? You know, Melissa’s like 56 years old already. You know what I mean? Let it go!” (For the record, Melissa is 40.)

Joan on being selected project manager of her all-female team: “I”m the only one in there without a tampon in my pocketbook. So they just deferred to me.”

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